Have you ever been described as needy or clingy? Do you get so excited about a new friendship or relationship that you bombard the other person with attention, only to find that the person starts to seem distant? If you find yourself wanting to call text or email someone a whole lot more than they contact you, you have probably figured out that neediness is a turn off to most people.
1. Put on the brakes: every relationship develops at its own pace and there is no need to fast forward to being “soul mates” or “best friends forever” just because things feel great. Cherish the novelty of it all and the excitement of having something new, because it’ll never be new again. It can be nerve wracking not knowing how a certain connection is going to unfold but it’s also exciting! Be patient and learn to savour that excitement. Don’t try and push the connection into a stage that it is not ready for or you’ll miss the fun and create stress.
2. Take off the rose tinted glass; part of the reason people get disproportionately excited sometimes is because we tend to idealize others in the very beginning of a relationship. When you first meet someone with whom you have a connection, it’s easy to get lost in fantasies of how awesome your friendship or relationship might be. However, with those fantasies come high expectations and sometimes those high expectations are unrealistic. Right now you might think you want to spend all your time with the person. But you’re setting yourself up to be let down. Be ready to cope and forgive rather than act shocked that the person dares to be anything but perfect.
3. Practice this for that: imagine your interaction with this person is like a tennis or volleyball game. Every time you initiate contact, you throw the ball to their side of the court. Then you have to wait for them to send it back. You don’t toss a whole bunch more to make sure he or she is still interested in playing. If you’re a little on the needy side, you probably get nervous and worried while you’re waiting.
If you’ve - already gotten in touch with someone 9 you sent a text or gave a call or left a voice message there’s no need to do it again. When you feel the urge to contact them again remember that there are only a few possibilities here:
a) They haven’t gotten the message yet
b) They’ve been too busy or preoccupied to get back to you. If you trust this person, then you have to give him or her the benefit of doubt and assume this is the case
c) They aren’t interested in hanging out at the moment
4. Don’t be suffocating: no matter how close you are to another person, spending ALL your time with him or her is going to get overwhelming. Even if the person loves you, he or she is not going to want to be with you at every waking and maybe sleeping) moment. If you find it difficult to be away from the person for even a few minutes, you’re almost definitely creating a situation that will eventually blow up in your face. As hard as it might be, force yourself to back off and give the person some space, spend a few nights away, do activities you like to do and don’t call or text for a bit. Your relationship will definitely Improve because the old adage that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is true.
5. Recognize signs that the other person is no longer interested: it happens sometimes for s variety of reasons, but one thing is for sure – showering the person with more attention will never change their mind. Persistence is not the answer! Pulling away may be the person’s way of jumping ship without the way they feel, and deep down inside, you know that. If someone doesn’t have the decency to respond, they’re not worth your time, you deserve better than that.
Think about whether the person is acting fickle. Some people just aren’t good about maintaining a friendship or relationship and sometimes, they’re lazy or forgetful. More often though if someone isn’t responsive, it’s not because they forgot to call you back, It’s because they made a choice not to.
It might be that the other person just needs some time to focus on other things for a while. It doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship.
6. Respect the other person’s wishes: getting ignored or iced out can feel like rejection. Well, it is rejection and that really hurts. But once someone has decided they’re ready to move on, there’s nothing you can do to force the issue. Do your best to move on and resist the urge to be pushy. Lashing out or trying to hurt the other person in return will only make the person grow even more distant.
7. See if your needs are being met: if the person on your mind doesn’t flat out reject you but her or she demonstrates flaky behaviour and seems to be leading you on, think about whether you really want this person in your life. Just because you want to spend time with your friend or significant other doesn’t make you “needy”. All relationships require some time and effort to maintain. If the person is making you feel like you’re asking for too much, but you know you’re not being excessively needy, then maybe it’s the other person who has a problem.
Decide how much time and attention you want to give the relationship and figure out how much you expect in return. If your expectations are reasonable but you’re always feeling let down or neglected, it might be time to find a new friend or significant other who makes you feel valued and cared for.
Relationships aren’t easy to balance – it often seems like one person is putting in more effort. It is normal to have phases where one person is often busy and the other seems to be calling and texting more. However, if this is a constant pattern in your relationship and you don’t think it’s going to change, get out of the relationship before it hurts your self esteem.
8. Learn to trust: once you sort out what’s going on inside you can deal with any issues you might have relating to other people. Neediness is often associated with a shortage of trust, and sometimes a fear of abandonment. When you find yourself doubting someone’s feelings for you, or their loyalty, ask yourself why you don’t trust them. Is it because they did something questionable? Or is it because someone in your past hurt you and now you think this new person is going to do the same thing?
9. Call other people once in a while: focusing your life around just one person isn’t good for your mental health or self esteem. Call other people in your group of friends instead of pouring all your energy into one person. Get some people together to go to a movie or out to dinner and all the other personalities that fill your life. You have room for more than one friend.
10. Get busy doing other things: people who are busy simply don’t have enough time to be needy. They’re always preoccupied with other things and guess what? Those other things are what make people in testing friends and romantic partners. If you have nothing better to do than wait for someone to call or write back, then you’re probably bored and you know what they say – if you are bored, you are boring.